Tonight’s Shed n Breakfast report: 9 eggs collected in single-digit temps. I stepped outside and immediately felt my soul leave my body like a Victorian child with poor circulation. Meanwhile the hens—Judge Judy, Anna Nicole Smith, Spaghetti, Erin Bakavich, Paris, Lindsay, Nicole, Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, JonBenét Ramsey, and Susan B. Anthony—are thriving like this is a winter homestead spa retreat instead of a frostbite simulator. The wind screamed. The coop door croaked. JonBenét strutt

17 eggs so far this Saturday, and the flock is behaving like they’re on a seasonal productivity arc written by a confused Hallmark intern. It’s December, the daylight is slacking, and yet Judge Judy just laid an egg with the emotional intensity of a courtroom finale. Paris screamed at the wind. Anna Nicole Smith stared directly into the automatic coop door like she knew something about its next malfunction. Meanwhile Bobby Turkalino is pacing like a winter rooster on salary, Pheasant is narratin